When things went wrong as children, by deciding we were to blame and therefore must be bad, we might at least have felt some small sense of power or control in an environment in which we actually had very little power over our fate. It also fitted with our naïve belief in a world which is always fair and just – “I must deserve this.”
The problem with these early decisions about ourselves, other people and the quality of life is that we tend to stick with them as adults. It seems that we prefer to hang onto the familiar and predictable rather than risking going into uncharted lands. So as adults (without conscious awareness) we can still believe we are bad and unlovable, feel guilt, shame, resentment or depression and then recreate the same kind of difficulties that we experienced in childhood.
The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors reflecting their beliefs. So relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth. If we look honestly at our relationships we can see so much about how we have created them.”
This can be a rewarding and testing time as we have to find new ways of getting secure when we give up our old patterns.